Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   googling for Honest Politicians but the search keeps coming as "0" search found.

   was considering divorcing my wife today, as she hasn't spoken to me in 4 months, a friend told me to reconsider as women like this are very hard to find

   If only closed minds came with closed mouths!!.....

   God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.

   No clean cereal bowls? Line a strainer with plastic wrap. Laziness is the father of invention.

   Before I know I'm in for a hellacious night of drinking, I try to plan a few common sense things out ahead of time, like a hotel or a DD or something like that. There's always one variable I forget, though - I'm an invincible moron when I'm drunk.

   ...just heard that Britney told E! that Paris doesn't have a problem with drugs. isn't that like asking Chester Cheetah if the Cookie Monster has a problem with carbs...

   Those high powered hand dryers are awesome for getting your hands dry in three seconds, and as an added bonus I now know what my hands would look like if they ever went sky diving.

   Another day of saying stuff I don't mean and thinking stuff I don't say.

   what you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.

   Whew, I wasn't aware pumpkin carving was that much work. Whatever happened to a couple eyes, a nose and a mouth?

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

   No one wants to work. Work sucks, it's just that eating thing we all like to do

   thinks someone needs to falcon punch Gucci Mane in his ice cream loving face...

   I'd take your message of social upheaval much more seriously if your "Anarchy" patch hadn't been purchased at Hot Topic.

   Eyjafjallajokull is more like a baby typing on a computer than a volcano!

   crazy people are exhausting!

   It is a sad day, "Hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants that now live in Arizona, may no longer feel welcome." --CBS anchor Katie Couric

   To save time, lets just assume I'm NEVER wrong!

   written what you are reading