Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Single" doesn't always mean available, just as "in a relationship" doesn't always mean happy!

   We can bailout Big Banks, but we can save an American Iconic Twinkie factory from going out of business??? Priorities People!!!!

   You know when you have to wash the dishes when you are eating salad out of a coffee cup.

   “Hold on playa!” -Ghetto Yield sign.

   Now that Moammar Gadhafi is dead is it to soon to call dibs on his kick ass collection of sunglasses?

   How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel??

   My girlfriend insists on buying tuna in water. "It's healthier then the tuna in oil!" Then we get home and she puts a gallon of mayonnaise in it.

   Okay I will let you go but you are going to find out that there's not many like me, but there's plenty like you.

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.

   “What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario

   Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.

   Hand Sanitizer: Helping us discover paper cuts we never knew we had

   Skype Conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!

   My relationship with my Ex was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.

   Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.

   What will the next Democrat prez do to end poverty? Same all the rest did; nothing...

   If someone has to lie, cheat and steal to get your vote, they're not the leader you're looking for.

   Do people literally just sit there and think about Trump ALL DAY long? My lord people. Watch Netflix, go outside, go to work, eat an apple, have sex, call a friend, do laundry, smoke pot, buy a truck, plan a trip, rob an old lady, cook jello, use a port a

   Since we are cancelling COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   My ex just sent me a photo of her having sex with her new boyfriend. I sent it to her Dad