Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait for the new episode of Hoarders...now all I gotta do is find my television.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

   HDTV: where the channels are still crap..but a much clearer and colorful crap.

   accepted the People's Choice award for best portrayal of a status update

   I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account

   Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy

   went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

   1.Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.

   Don't be upset if she preferred someone else, it's difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas...

   Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.

   How do I know that Facebook is a woman? Well a man would never ask "Whats on your mind?" Would he?

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   FOUND: IPod Touch 4G, 32GB, white. Must be able to match the naked pics I found in the photos.

   Do midgets get ticked off because their miniature golf courses are overrun by normal sized people?

   i do believe my fake laugh is ready to go pro.

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   Gynecologists looking for a cool nickname, please remember Rug Doctor is a registered trademark.

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their FB inbox.