Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FASTEST means of Communication : 1) Phone 2) TV 3) Internet 4) Tell A Woman (For even FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE)

   just two away from a threesome

   hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!

   Thank you Facebook for your new dumb layout & for me having to click my status update 52 times for it to take....

   thinking about going on a cruise just for the profile picture opportunities.

   Every Ice Age starts the same way. With a lonely squirrel just tryin' to get a nut.

   I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   I'm wearing that smile you gave me.

   Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.

   Have you ever woke up wanting to smack someone for no apparent reason?

   I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...

   I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

   I have learnt so much from my mistakes, I am thinking of making a few more.

   B!tch please, my bubblegum flavor lasts longer than your relationships.

   I can never hear the song Bohemian Rhapsody and not think of Wayne's World.

   real dogs ride in pickups, not purses....

   Contrary to popular belief, women really dress to impress other women.

   - As a driver I hate pedestrains, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

   To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.