Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already....

   "You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.

   So..... Monica Lewinsky is now selling herself as a crusader for media abuse and ruined reputations.... Good for her because.... well..... ummm.... she blew her chance at a political career....

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but sometimes it's good to see who cares enough to break them down.

   Duct tape - $3.79, Shovel - $29.99, 50 lb. bag of lime - $14.99, Life without you - PRICELESS.

   thinks the world would be a lot more fun if people screamed when they yawned...

   there's no "I" in gang bang

   Newton's Third Law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.

   I hear screaming. That is the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   ‎"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"

   A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. None leave with me. The end.

   BOY: "Hi" GIRL: "I have a boyfriend" BOY: "I said 'Hi' not suck my d!ck"

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"

   I hope that Donald Trump's toupee is spared from the wrath of Hurricane Sandy... Be safe, little ferret