Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My typical day at work: 9:00 am: What a beautiful day. 9:05 am: I WANNA GO HOME.

   The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.

   There's nothing worse than finding out someone you hate has the same taste in music as you.

   Did we DIE???... omg is this hell???... oh we didn't, so youre telling me I'm just at work o_O... oh well carry on then

   I'll never judge or insult you because of your beliefs. I'm just kidding idiot.

   I'm too tired. Go love someone else.

   I can't really tell the difference between "water polo" or "marco polo", but I know neither one is very thrilling to watch on television. :/

   I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"

   If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.

   When I hear a dumb, young, donkey say "I Ain't Scared to go to Jail!" That let's me know he's never been there.

   I don't care about Heidi Klum and seal divorcing. Now if there is a news report of the Kardishians being hit by a piece of that Russian satellite it would be a good news day.

   Of course I'm not going to delete you... but you did manage to post yourself into my f*ck off and ignore list!

   It's so humid in here in the office that the envelopes are licking themselves.

   OMG, Kourtney Kardashian had a baby!? I didn't even know she was worth talking about!

   A man in a standoff with police demanded to marry Paris Hilton. Now he is undergoing psychological tests. Are these tests REALLY necessary?

   Show me on this voodoo doll where it would hurt you the most.

   And here's your Valentine's Day forecast: Disappointment with intermittent pockets of candy eating.

   You don't want to vajazzle after a certain age or it'll look like bacon dangling from a disco ball.

   If all this phony enthusiasm persists, there will be severe exclamation point shortages by 2028.

   "Be honest with me" means "lie convincingly".