Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to fall down stairs,,,, Step 1... Step 4... Steps 5,6,7,8,9...

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   I'm back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.

   For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You're totally f cked this month"

   Ladies; Make sure you "got it" before you "flaunt it."

   Nicki Minaj probably mixes all her make up in a bucket, adds water then sticks her head in and goes with whatever comes out.

   If booze isn't the answer, then your question sucks.

   If by multitasking you mean obsess and worry about a million things all at the same time then yes I'm multitasking.

   Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm

   Blowing a tranny means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   Secret admirer when you're young. Stalker when you're older.

   I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .

   Sometimes "message failed to send," is your second chance.

   Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.

   I surprised the Avon Lady when I came to the door naked. She was more upset that I knew where she lived.

   Its admirable that you want to be an organ donor, but there may be a less painful way of doing than driving in my blind spot.

   I can't help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt...

   I wish the government would go through my e-mails, because I’m never going to.