Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around.

   When life gives you a Grenade, pull the pin and toss it to your EX..

   I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.

   You know why there are no wal-marts in Afghanistan? Cause theres a Target in every corner...

   An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

   Dina Lohan said "God has a plan for Lindsay". Dina, God's plan is simpler than that. It's called "porn".

   What to tell a girl before a one night stand - "If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.."

   My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

   Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

   Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them

   I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

   Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is retarded. Every time you sharpen it: "Cool to Do Drugs" "Do Drugs" and "Drugs"

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   WARNING: "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is apparently not a valid defense for Indecent Exposure.

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I've never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...

   It's October and soon you'll see those orange round things with scary carved faces everywhere. That's right, the cast of Jersey Shore is on tour.

   oh your looking for a 'cuddle buddy'. Maybe if you took down your Duck Face, YOLO T-shirt wearing pics you'd have a better chance at finding one. No guy wants to cuddle with a Mallard that says YOLO.

   Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...

   Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...

   The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut