Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congrats, you're pregnant! But do you really need to take ALL those pictures of yourself showing your belly? I can't take 9 months of this!!

   I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday .. :)

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my Halloween Costume/

   it's almost 2011....I still find it hard to believe I do not have my own robot yet. Damn you Jetsons.

   as much a chance with the ladies as a bird does flying safely through Arkansas

   thinking Gucci Man is retarded; what kind of man get a tattoo of an ice cream cone on my face? Everyone knows Ice Cream is the least threating foods of the food groups... What an idiot.

   Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

   doesn't know the key to success, but definitely knows that the key to failure is to try to please everyone

   Morning without coffee is like sleep.

   I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize that I should have been more specific.

   If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   Just beheaded my neighbor's snowman and placed it on a stake on his front lawn.

   Deja Vuvuzela - I think I've heard this buzz before....

   Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, I'm convinced that I would not be friends with me if I were someone else.

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

   Finally finished carving GOOGLE EARTH CAN SUCK IT into the a massive cliff. Now... we wait.