Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what would would solve the whole Kaepernick issue? If only he was a better football player...

   Bernie, The "Anti-Establishment" candidate ..... Just joined the Establishment.

   A funny thing about tolerant people? They're only tolerant when you agree with them.

   wondering why people think they are invisible when they pick their noses in the car?

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

   The Republicans have announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim benefits. Starting next week the forms will only be printed in English.

   Nothing sucks worse then buying a girl drinks all night and watching her leave with another dude.

   Please don't say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. No one thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your snatch.

   My new doctor is a very attractive busty blonde.....I have now given up eating apples !!!!

   Dear Mr. City Plow Guy, I'd like to actually go to work in the morning so for a change can you maybe not make another Giant Ice mound at the end of my Driveway? For an added bonus could you use some salt on my road instead of just flatting out the snow.

   As I get older my fantasy hasn't changed, I still want two women at the same time, the only difference is......one cooking and one cleaning.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying “there's one.”

   The girls at Hooters may be hot, but when it comes down to it, the girls at Subway are the real wife material.

   Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.

   I don't know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women's volleyball!

   REMEMBER: Fighting terrorists has no rules of engagement. Terrorists cannot be reasoned with. A good terrorist is a dead terrorist. End of story.

   How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she's the one.

   ha ha suckers, gullible IS in the dictionary, I checked....

   When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body. However, that changed when I was born.

   I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.