Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why did they even build a highway to the danger zone

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.

   “Your driving is freaking terrible,” I said to my wife. “Oh come on!” She said, “It’s not that bad.” I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.

   After the VMAs people everywhere are saying that Miley Cyrus is the most talentless, disappointing girl in the music industry... I'm sorry, but please don't take that title away from Justin Bieber..

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   The real magic of Christmas is how quickly money vanishes from my wallet.

   My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   There comes a time when you gotta stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I like to call this, the nap time.

   I Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing

   I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.

   Life is short. Do as much damage as you can.

   I only look in your bathroom medicine cabinet to see how much we have in common.

   when you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, and I'll have to fight the attacker naked.."

   still wondering what Chet did to get his nuts roasted on an open fire.

   I wish people would understand I only sing when I'm drunk and that little shot of wine in church just doesn't cut it.

   Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden!

   Hickies in junior high = Sweet! Hickies in your 30s = Gross