Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in order to disburse the crowd in Ferguson police dropped job applications from the policehelicopters

   I know it's warm outside and spring is in the air BUT if you haven't worked out this winter, please don't dress like it. I see ladies walking around with half shirts looking like half opened cans of biscuits.

   Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook.

   Tom Brady should be forced to spend those 4 games at a Children's Hospital blowing up balloon animals.

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.

   I get the feeling that there are more people out there that have put more time into supporting gay marriage this past week than they have in supporting there own in the past year.

   If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with..I shouldn't be telling you this..

   All women are crazy but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.

   Dear Hurricane Irene: Don't disappoint me like the " Rapture" a few months ago. Their are only so many times I'm willing to sit naked on my deck with a cigar expecting the "end times". Bring It, you stinky b!tch. I made potato salad.....

   Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before Nyquil, something something heart palpitations

   NASA says there is a 1 in 3000 chance debris from their satellite could hit someone. *Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony*

   Life without friends is like boobs without nipples( )( ), just pointless!

   Stay warm people. It's supposed to be "R. KELLY" cold out there this weekend. And by that I mean "IN THE TEENS."

   There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends.. Good job.. Good food.. Good sleep..&"GOOD _UCK" whatever you are thinking. That's right! :D

   100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.

   its christmas time. lets see some funnies and not democratic bull

   I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

   You know you're fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

   can't go to a nudist wedding, Women might mistake me for the Bestman."