Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Suggested Transformers 4 movie poster slogan: Your Suspicions Are Correct, We Hate You and Think You Are Stupid.

   You can't spell furloughed without f-u

   I never did learn how to set the time on a VCR. These kids have no idea how good they have it.

   This status, is guaranteed not to be on an E Card

   Okay, coffee's kicked in. What were you saying? Oh, sorry. Let me get that duct tape off your mouth.

   You should appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.... unless it's an s.t.d.

   If the Ferguson police used THC grenades instead of tear gas, you'd see a much different scene.

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.

   All of these couples in the Hallmark Christmas movies that fall in love in a couple of days should have sequels on the Crime Network by Halloween when one of them murders the other one.

   My "Facebook Moments" thing is just a bunch of pictures of me getting drunk so, whatever...

   "That's What." - She

   FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.

   Thanks to leggings and yoga pants, my imagination can take a break.

   Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. One time, I lasted all the way through the opening credits of Game of Thrones.

   My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   nothing makes you a hypocrite like becoming a parent...

   There's a special place on my crappy list for people that complicate relatively simple situations.

   Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.

   When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.