Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, we all have that special someone we'd visit if given a tank to drive for a day

   Restrooms in the future: 1. Men 2. Women 3. Selfies

   The woman in front of me at Kroger had a box of wine, a flower arrangement, some cat treats and two packages of batteries. Is it wrong for me to assume that she is single and treating herself to a day in?

   Turns out an At Home DNA test is not a good baby shower gift.

   A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

   Girl Scout cookie season is specifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year's resolutions.

   Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a “How’s My Driving?” bumper sticker on her car…The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   I never date left handed women. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

   20s: Sure, I'll take the floor... 30s: The floor? No, But I'll sleep on the couch.... 40s: What thread count are your sheets?

   While you guys were distracted by the smoke screens the Government placed in the form of gender neutral bathrooms, election drama, and racism...Tyler Perry was right under our noses making another movie. Wake up America. This has to stop.

   I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

   If the primary job of the President is to Preserve, Protect and Defend the Constitution of the United States, I wonder which one of the candidates would best be able to fulfill that primary duty?

   No I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at what I think of you.

   I heard Kanye West announced that he and Kim Kardashian are expecting a child. My sincere condolences to the child.

   We all have that one friend we're trying to fatten up for the zombie apocalypse...

   This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes”

   All my ex wives shared the same name. "Plaintiff"

   I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.

   Never do I wish I were a pirate more than when sitting in traffic next to the beer truck.

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.