Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NO! I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why I'm right DAMMIT!!

   If ladies could read my thoughts I would get slapped in the face A LOT!!!

   I remember when I was the bad ass that had to walk at the end of the line in kindergarten.

   Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

   GUY IN MALL: "Would you like to improve your balance and try this balance bracelet?" ME: "No thank you. I have toes."

   If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a father it's just because the kids say they don't want any bacon, make 2 extra slices, because they are lying.

   I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym

   It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. -Tyler Durden

   There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.

   "YOU SHOULD'VE COME WITH US!" well, inviting me would've helped..

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.

   Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.

   Here is a tip for you older people: Don't plank, people may think you're dead.

   There's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise.

   The road less traveled does not have 3G. I'm turning around.

   Dear Blackberry, I think it's nice that your honering Steve Jobs death with a 3 day silence.

   when alcohol does its taxes it claims me as its dependant

   I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.

   It makes me laugh when I see HOES arguing with other HOES about being a HOE

   with the current state of relationships these days, I think the Grim Reaper should take Cupid's spot...just seems more realistic to me....