Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think there is one thing both genders can agree on, neither one want Justin Bieber in their gender.

   Lil Wayne = 5% Black 95% Tattoos.

   What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!

   jus saw a midget pushin a shopping cart.. every item they put in their basket was a slam dunk

   Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? Did someone steal your cookies?

   The first time a man sees a woman naked is like a child seeing a present on Christmas morning.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   Thinking about taking a Carnival Cruise, but I can't decide which excursion to go on....... the one where the ship rolls over and you drown, and one where you get towed thru pirate infested waters, or the one where you get the bird flu. Fun, fun, fun

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.

   Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible

   You laugh at me because I'm strange I laugh at you because your stupid!

   65 days until The Royal Wedding. I can't wait. Seeing that family gathered together always makes me feel really good about my dental plan.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Sincerely, Thats physically impossiple

   I miss the old “This is your brain on drugs” ad ‘cause I now do, in fact, have some questions.

   husband for sale...comes with xbox controller

   You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

   You know college has changed you when you see your 6 year old niece drinking out of a red plastic cup, and you scream, "Don't drink that... juice." Oh.

   A creepy clown? A robber wearing a cape? A purple gluttonous blob? If you think about it, the McDonald's mascots are horrifying.

   found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day...