Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.

   Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...

   Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible

   You laugh at me because I'm strange I laugh at you because your stupid!

   65 days until The Royal Wedding. I can't wait. Seeing that family gathered together always makes me feel really good about my dental plan.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Sincerely, Thats physically impossiple

   I miss the old “This is your brain on drugs” ad ‘cause I now do, in fact, have some questions.

   husband for sale...comes with xbox controller

   You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

   You know college has changed you when you see your 6 year old niece drinking out of a red plastic cup, and you scream, "Don't drink that... juice." Oh.

   A creepy clown? A robber wearing a cape? A purple gluttonous blob? If you think about it, the McDonald's mascots are horrifying.

   found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day...

   Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody Internet: Without me you are nothing Electricity: Keep talking!

   People say the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else. Around here the hardest thing to do is replace the empty toilet paper roll and put your dishes in the dishwasher.

   Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

   Call me an artist, I draw attention.

   great.... Oprah is interviewing Rosie O'Donnell tonight on OWN. tune in if you ever wondered what a Double Stuffed Oreo sounds like

   Fella's: If your wife says she might be pregnant. Saying"I am pro choice" Is frowned upon......apparently!

   You ever hear or see a friend do something and think "Oh yeah, that's a Facebook status." Yeah, me too.