Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Bryce Williams, White Lives Matter.

   How does a woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months, go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it laquisha

   It's cool to put someone else's genitalia in your mouth but if I eat a dorito that I have picked up off the floor I am weird.

   My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.

   On a scale from 1 to 420.. How much Easter candy are you eating right now?

   The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit

   What do people with spinning flashing inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?

   Trust me... You don't want my undivided attention.

   Ice storm? Vanilla Ice predicted back in 1990 that the ice would be back. If only we had stopped, collaborated, and listened.

   Kanye West "Kim fought for her position in society".....Wait Kanye, didn't she obtain her fame because of a video, in the bent over "position?"

   The thinner the eyebrows, the crazier the girl.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   Nothing turns me on more than a pic of your boobs with your wedding ring hand holding up your shirt.

   A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.

   The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."

   It's okay password, I'm insecure too.

   Which came first? The Pringles can or Tennis ball container?

   I haven't heard anything about Farmville lately. Did those guys sell out to Monsanto?

   Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.

   ♪ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,