Funny Status Messages
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Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss. 
Trump hugs Mitt Romney and tells him "You had me at "I don't care about poor people'."
After lesbians have sex, I bet there's an insane amount of not shutting up.
The Daytona 500 is today. In related news, I'll be watching mold grow on some bread.
wondering why I have NEVER seen a pregnant Asian?? Where's all the Most Fruitful Yuki's hidin anyway??
When white girls become 16 and pregnant, they get their own show "16 and pregnant" ...black girls go to Maury
Welcome back, Sunday....it's nice to see you. Stay a while...don't be in such a rush to leave like your friends Friday and Saturday!
When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a maniac.
Reminder, fellas: bra cups come in sizes AA, A, B, C, D, DD, OMG, WTF.
The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…
I'm saving myself for marriage. Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage
Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"
Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.
Hey Blame Obama Hotline, how does it feel to be blamed for everything~George W.
According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing
You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!
How many NASCAR drivers does it take to destroy a jet dryer?? Juan
Only ten shopping days left before you find yourself buying gift cards from CVS.
Wondering if the next Charlie Sheens tv show will be called "Two And A Half Grams."
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness." 