Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first thing I do on a computer that doesn't belong to me is go on Craigslist and see if the Casual Encounters link is purple or blue.

   Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?

   There is no end to the lengths that Brett Favre will stoop to protect that streak of his. He must have been up all night cutting away on the roof of the Metrodome.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake

   Why are all the birds dyin? seahawks, falcons, ravens, eagles

   Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   I bet sex is great when I'm not the only one in the room.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.

   When I'm ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

   Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".

   If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it's about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.

   Where have you been my whole life? And could you please go back there?

   I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.

   ''If all Men are created equal, where's the rest of your Pen!s?!!!

   Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse

   Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.