Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.

   I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.

   Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.

   I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.

   Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...

   You can tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   Maybe we should let Sandusky loose on Congress

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   Chris Brown has recently entered Rehab for anger management issues. I for one have faith in Chris. He has never faced anything that he couldn’t beat.

   Happy Halloween... may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! ;-)

   Rob ford is the real life Mayor Quimby.

   Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.

   There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..

   Actually, I can believe it's not butter...

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.