Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn't have to end at work.

   I'm thankful I'm a dude and don't have to post that BS every day this month...

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

   If I ever had enough money... I would start up my own towing company... and call it "Camel Towing"!

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.

   Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads "... allow dill dough to rise".

   Life was so much easier before security cameras

   I don't see anything wrong with walking around my house naked. My neighbors however, keep yelling at me to go back inside. HATERS!!!

   If "graphic pictures" will be required on cigarette packs, then I want to see graphic pics of ugly babies on condoms and ugly chicks WITHOUT goggles on beer bottles.

   Ladies, it's not that there are no good men out there. It's just that you turned down 6 of em that wanted a chance to treat you right and chose the a$$hole.

   You all drink too much, you cuss too much, and you all have very questionable morals... Everything I ever wanted in a friend!

   Have you ever noticed that all of the hot girl's profiles on facebook are private and all of the ugly girl's profiles on facebook are public?

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money.

   Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.

   Earth is full. Go home.

   realized my third grade teacher lied to me... I never use cursive...