Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere in the world, a Jehovah Witness is plotting his next door knock.

   At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself

   I love meeting new people until they say something stupid. Most of my friendships last about 3 minutes.

   I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.

   'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

   When I say "I won't tell anyone", my best friend doesn't count.

   Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a smack upside the head. Lets raise awareness.

   My friend told me, "Smart men make great husbands!" Being the guy I am, I had to correct her, so I said "smart men don't get married"

   People change its a part of life, but sometimes its easier to hold on to the memories of who they were... rather then to realize who they have become...

   Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

   I hope Lebron James joins Habitat for Humanity in the off-season... His brick-laying skill will come in handy!

   When my phone rings while I am am holding it in my hands, I feel like they can see me ignoring their call.

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero.

   The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.

   so for my ice bucket challenge I would like to nominate fumanya mutamba from northern africa. you have 24 hours or pay 100 dollars.

   Oh you think you have it bad? In my day you didn't see the other persons genitals until after you actually met them.

   They say whoever smelt it dealt it, so technically this weed is yours officer

   Nike is starting to bug me. I've seen the video's of how hard the kids in the sweat shop work. So why does it take ten days to get my shirts in the mail.

   If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you

   Don't worry Kanye, Stephen Hawking sings with autotune too.