Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never look for leftover fireworks in your car with a lighter. Good news is I now have a sunroof.

   When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?", I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

   And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...

   Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.

   Whenever a woman says, "I'm going out tonight with the girls;" I like to think she's referring to her boobs.

   Whoopi Goldberg and Flava Flav should just gone head & admit that Lil Wayne is their child.

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon.

   When someone sends you a text that says “call me”. Why didn't you just damn call me?

   The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

   The worst = telling an awesome story and realizing halfway through that you should not be telling it to that person.

   Breast Awareness month: we stare because we care.

   I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything.

   Money can buy a fine dog...but only love can make him wag his tail.

   When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

   Just because you attract a lot of nasty skanks does not mean you're a stud. It means that your own kind recognizes you.

   Kids are more fun when you can give them back.

   life is too ironic to understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, Noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence.

   I once had a life … then some idiot came and told me to make a Facebook!

   All Lives including Blue Lives Matter

   The local car wash had a special "Brazilian Wax", now my car's carpet is gone....