Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finished reading Facebook... My stalking journey is complete.

   I wish I could be as enthusiastic about life as my dog is about the arrival of the mail man..

   Plan B includes margaritas.

   all I know is ANY other day ask a woman what color bra they're wearing and you get a dirty look. Make it for awareness and colors are flying like the gay pride parade.

   Ahhhhhh. I love SPRING! Bright sunshine, slight breeze, about 70 degrees, and I am inside telling you people about it! See how much I care?

   Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

   You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not "professional" any more.

   Saves lives each day... because there are people out there that need to be shot, and I don't shoot 'em!

   Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   The teacher asked students to write an essay on 'If I were a Millionaire'. All students started writing except lil John. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" I'm waiting for my secretary,

   Quitting Facebook over privacy is like moving out of your house because you can't be bothered to lock the door....

   Thinks it is amazing how a spider the size of my thumbnail can make a woman move faster then Bruce Lee on steroids and scream louder then a horror flick chick.....

   You know it's too early when you try to put the cereal box in the refrigerator.

   People say I have an obsessive personality, but after thousands of hours of research spanning nearly a decade, I can find no conclusive evidence supporting this.

   I wish my car had a "thanks!" horn in addition to the "get the f*ck out of my way" horn it came with.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   So many freaks... so few circuses.

   I am imperfection perfected.

   Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?