Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, but like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Picasso emoticon: ' < __ ,

   What I lack in confidence, I make up for in whisky.

   Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

   I discovered last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night......Is sleeping right through them.

   Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.

   Your mother nodding solemnly on Antiques Roadshow as the appraiser explains that the ashtray you made for her in 1st grade is absolute crap...

   Black Friday: Where one day after giving thanks for what we have, we trample each other to buy what we don't.

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.

   BEST ADVICE: Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them.

   Second chances: When it just didn't hurt enough the first time.

   If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff...

   growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

   totally missing his Kindergarten days..... I had a nap in the middle of the day and a snack when I woke up just for being a good boy while sleeping. At work I get a written warning.

   Let's put the kid's to bed and play with the box they came in!

   When your ex says: "You'll never find someone like me" you are supposed to turn around and say: "God I sure hope not!!"

   I wouldn't call Hugh Hefner a cradle robber as much as I would call his 24-year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, a grave robber.

   Well, I guess people in Arkansas don't have to worry about bird flu this year...