Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says if Rihanna liked the way it hurt, she'd still be with Chris Brown

   I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning.

   Watching the RNC, I find it quite ironic that Romney is wearing flip-flops.

   Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's

   I love snow it can make the dirtiest ghetto look clean.

   Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

   As I slid my finger down her g-string I thought to myself..... what a nice guitar.

   FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour!

   Love is very strong.. It can remove tears, fears & even underwears.

   How long until Al Sharpton protests shark week for lack of Great Black shark coverage

   I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..they're where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE

   If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

   Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it. "

   2 beers 5 dollars, 3 margaritas 15 dollars, 4 jello shots 20 dollars... taking home the girl who drank all the above... priceless

   I like fat girls, they need lovin' too. Unfortunately most Guys won't repost this.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   I think Taylor Swift should walk in while Kim Kardashian is in labor and say “Hey, Kanye, I know you’re having a baby and all, but I just wanted to say that Beyoncé had the best baby of all time!"

   First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club

   OK ladies....College football starts tonight!! You may now start to cheat, shop or whatever.....Just shut up and stay out of the Man Cave!!

   I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.