life Funny Status Messages

   Iowa state fair is selling a fried stick of butter. Glad to see you guys are still pro life.

   Just a tip for living a long and happy life: TRY NOT TO DIE

   If you unfriend me or block me on Facebook, that means you would probably just turn your nose up in real life...you're actually doing me a favor!!

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   Just walked into a McDonald's and refilled my soda cup from yesterday without paying. Thug life.

   I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets. For an hour or so usually.

   Lots of soul-searching in the pro-life community now that Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby.

   My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.

   Life could be worse....woman could get away with murdering their baby daughter while a doctor who gives his client illegal drugs and he dies could end up going to jail. Oh wait.....

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   Don’t be afraid of death, be afraid of an unlived life.

   You know I don't care about losing some people that don't wanna be in my life anymore, I lost people that meant the WORLD to me and I am still doing just fine.

   I'm constantly thankful for all of some of the people that aren't in my life anymore.

   We all have those friends that are fine to 'hangout' with on FB, but in real life you wanna punch them right in the face. Oh wait.......that's my family.

   Shout out to all the moms who spent their whole Mother's Day thinking and worrying, "If this dummy ever asks for a paternity test, I can kiss the good life goodbye”

   Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.

   One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what's next.

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

   There has to come a point in my life where I'm standing on a hillside, watching a village I ravaged burn to the ground, laughing maniacally.