Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse