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I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
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01-05-2013 13:55 by
Czovczov
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Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.
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01-08-2013 12:28 by
Baddie
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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02-07-2013 12:15 by
snotty
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
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10-14-2011 23:37 by
@cdowney84
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Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.
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11-03-2011 11:52 by
KISSTOPHER
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Why does the new FB layout say "12 more recent stories", then when you click it, it takes you way down the page to the old ones??
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11-08-2011 07:04
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I've just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40..........I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.....
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12-21-2011 13:41
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If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end on a call, we would have no friends.
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12-21-2011 18:59 by
fadolo
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"I'm not like most girls." ~ Most girls
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12-24-2011 16:36 by
Danmanz
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National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...
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01-04-2012 05:31 by
Doc Noland
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I just finished washing a load of paper plates if anyone's wondering about my bank account balance.
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01-04-2012 21:13 by
fadolo
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Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)
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01-11-2012 22:15
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I hate that heart attack moment when you miss a step on the stairs. It makes you cherrish life there for a moment.
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01-18-2012 07:22 by
Marshall the Great
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-Grandpa, how the World War III started?- Well kid, one day the FBI closed MegaUpload and MegaVideo, then...
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01-19-2012 20:22 by
@antontiru
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Imodium AD: When you need to get your sh!t together.
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01-21-2012 14:56
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Fast replies make me feel like you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think you're talking to someone better.
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03-06-2012 19:54 by
BEGO
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When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.
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03-08-2012 21:18 by
BEGO
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Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.
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03-12-2012 06:31 by
flinnie
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I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
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03-20-2012 16:11 by
acreak
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I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO
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03-30-2012 12:57 by
snotty
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