Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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In order to refrain from spending too much on Christmas, I'm voluntarily placing myself in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. 
always snickers when people say their computer went down on them.
"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."
The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.
And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore
Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
I really do wish there was a pause button in life, like those twix commercials when you "need a moment?" I would smack the shet out of some people and they would have no idea what hit them!
you know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture
You see all this snow and complain, I see potential for filling my bathtub with it and chilling many beers for a party!
Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake.
going to go observe the ladies' shakeweight class at the gym.
Today's life lesson: If you can't wow them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit.
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
A woman will always forgive & forget......But she'll never let you forget that she has forgiven & forgotten...
Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.
Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat. 