life Funny Status Messages

   Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.

   Love is just a chapter in a guy`s life.. But to girls ? It's the whole book.

   There would be no limits to what a man could achieve... if he were to apply the same level of focus, persistence and dedication to his daily life... that he does when drunk and trying to convince a hot lesbian to sleep with him...

   Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...

   Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

   I must assume that if you are waiting for a politician to make a change in your life you enjoy the finer things like waiting for customer service on the phone, waiting for the doctor at his office, or standing in lines at airport security.

   Truth of life - Mother`s tears hit your heart and wife`s tears hit your pocket.

   Men need 100% talent to succeed in life....... Women need only 4%..... because the remaining 36+24+36 helps..

   Do more than belong.. Participate! Do more than care.. Help! Do more than believe.. Trust! Do more than be fair.. Be kind! Do more than forgive.. Forget! Do more than dream.. Work! Life keeps going, be part of it.. =)

   ‎*SINGLE* is NOT a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live & enjoy life without depending on others.

   Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book.

   I have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I don't buy anything.

   In life, every one of us is dealing with different kinds of problems. The trick is not about comparing your problems with other people, it's about solving your own.

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the as$.

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   When life gives you lemon, just add vodka and stop whining.

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."