life Funny Status Messages

   There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.

   I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his left foot and yelled, "F*ck me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

   You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...

   beat the heck out of the alarm clock this morning. It's currently on life support, but if it tries that $hit again tomorrow, I'm pulling the plug!!!

   Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   Life is funny. Well, yours is. To me.

   You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

   I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.