santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   I was going to buy you a Christmas gift, until I Got High!

   Times are short and Money is hard... Here's Your Effin Christmas Card!!!

   I think the grammatically correct way to describe my current Christmas disposition would have to be "present tense".

   If I had it my way my ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would be Raquel Welch, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba.

   next year I'm wrapping all of our Christmas presents in bubble wrap....it will be like two gifts in one!!!!

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store

   Want to see somethine scary? When your house is full of teenagers for the holidays, unplug your wi-fi.

   counting down!!! Only 91 days until Christmas, that's right CHRISTMAS :)

   writing a Christmas list: Shamwow, Snuggie, Flowbee and... a Chia Pet

   I was putting the lights up on our 12 foot Christmas tree this afternoon using a 10 foot ladder. Suddenly,I lost my balance, fell off of it and landed flat on my back on the floor. So thankful I was on the bottom step when it all happened.

   WTF is with all the American Girl dolls on ebays deal of the day.... This isn't christmas mother fcukers

   Good girls get presents, Naughty girls get money. - by Order of SANTA CLAUS.

   Took out my Christmas tree to curb and dropped needles like a heroin addict in NY all over over floor. .

   Try this experiment: The next time someone says "Oh, I'm fine..." look them square in the eyes and say "Tell me the truth." Sometimes all people really want is someone to take an interest. Show them you care all the time, not just at Christmas.

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   If you can read this, you're going to be pretty disappointed in what I "got you" for christmas.

   Don't forget to wave smile and wish your neighbors a Merry Christmas who are kind like Facebook friends you might not really know either, but live closer.

   I call dibs on his armored train for Christmas!

   Well unfortunately this year again, I didnt get to buy any kid's gift on Black Friday. So I'm getting them the usual Xmas present. A big pack of batteries and attach a card to it that says "Toys not Included"..... It's the thought that counts right?