life Funny Status Messages

   Remember, every girl you meet online is actually a guy in real life, and every kid is an undercover FBI agent.

   Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.

   Your relationship ended. Not your life -_-

   This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!

   Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others

   My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.

   The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

   The Kardashian Sisters would make great Vampires. They all have that dark exotic look, they're talented suckers, and live the night life well. The only thing they couldn't handle about Vampirism is not being able look at themselves in a mirror any more.

   85% of women go through life with the wrong bra size. Meanwhile every guy over 17 can tell you the exact measurement of their d!ck. Who's smarter now ladies?

   The best things in life are free. The worst things in life will cost you half of everything you own.

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB?

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   I might not have all the best things in life, but I always make the best of the things I do have.

   People always talk bout hard work, but you can work hard your whole life and not get anywhere...take my advice, work smart, not hard

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!

   People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."

   : Jesus says to John, "Come forth and I shall give you eternal life"....John came in fifth...He won a toaster.