Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?

   Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

   I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.

   Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

   If you rearrange the letters in North West, it spells Bad Parents.

   John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...

   So if you ever want to experience the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse, all you have to do is wait in line for Black Friday at your nearest Wal-Mart...

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn't work. Don't believe the Rumors.

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.