Funny Status Messages

   When you get pulled over for speeding say: "Two wrongs don't make a right officer. How fast did you have to go to catch up to me?"

   Girl finds her prince, the bad guy gets killed, like we're living in a fairy tale this last week...

   Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.

   I'm glad people don't talk the way they spell, text, or type.

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in other people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage. They make it into television shows.

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   I've been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea what the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button is for

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.

   Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.