Funny Status Messages

   My nickname at work is "I thought they fired you"

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!

   No man has ever won a game of 'notice anything different about me?'

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   Remember that episode on Cosby Show where Vanessa got drunk and was hung over..........I'm thinking Cosby did that

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****

   - Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.

   I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

   Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

   All shoes are technically buy one get one free...

   Can't believe it's been a whole year since the world ended in 2012

   People who bite icecream scare the hell out of me

   I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.

   Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom