Funny Status Messages

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   when a woman asks if her dress makes her look fat, don’t respond. she’s probably asking her husband and you’ll make him know where you are hiding.

   it wrong to poke a friend with a facebook status of, "Ending it all, standing on the edge of a cliff?" Asking for a friend.

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   *spills beer on trick-or-treaters* No [hiccup] we're out of Snickers & Fun Dip & [hiccup] No Twix either. You want these seeded grapes or not?

   Inmates in Miami Beach can now tweet Justin Beiber and poke him on after his Face got booked!

   Excuse me but my Brain Has Too Many Tabs Open right now.

   I didn't know Peyton and Phillp Seymour Thomas were that close...

   That moment when you realize you will probably never be half the man your mother is...

   this is just not the place anymore, I'm gonna go pop some pop corn and go watch the movies on facebook!

   Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff. -I. M. F.

   Melania, Millenium, Malva.....I bet no one knows the name of Donald Trump's latest wife either.

   Because of the size of my d*ck women find it difficult to walk after I have sex with them. I react very violently to laughter.

   I got the following numbers. 1) FU. 5) FU.12) FU. 33) FU.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   Can you beleive that some cultures still communicate with a series of clicks and primitive heirglyphs? *clicks furiously at keyboard* *adds 17 emojis*

   so much for MONKEEing around ,R.I.P. Davey Jones. Cheer up Sleepy Jean. He took the last train to Clarksville ......and now I'm a bereaver

   Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity.

   Penn State lost last week. They must of played Karma.

   You know what's more disturbing than the tears of a clown? That would be the semen of a clown.