Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I go to the deli counter at the supermarket, I just ask for ham. They have way too many options there, and I really don't care what kind I get. I just want some damn ham. I'm completely hambiguous.

   The 49ers have 56 active players... here they are in no particular order Kevin Boss Shaun Hill and Josh Morgan 53 more to go right here on NBC

   On the radio they are talking about weird names for gas stations! Would you rather get your stuff from the Kum n Go, Park and Blow, or the Pump n Pak lol?

   Lindsay Lohan has taken to writing on her nails which can mean only one thing. She's hopeing to be Sarah Palin's running mate.

   WOMAM: OMG! Baby I'm pregnant!! What would you want it to be?? MAN: a god damn joke!

   Why do women like men who are smart, goal oriented and have a sense of humor?? Because opposites attract!!

   i played "draw something" in my early 20's way before it was an app. we called it "what shape should we cut this line of cocaine into?"

   Who says I can`t cook? You obviously haven`t tasted my cereal !

   Hey Dos Equis... we drink beer to become quenched, not to "stay thirsty." You might want to work on that slogan, brainiac.

   When you "ASSUME" you make an "ass" out of "u" and Melissa Etheridge

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...

   Im 98% black the other 2% is milk.

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean,, now a dell is rolling in the deep.

   Boogity Boogity Boogity... Lets go racing boys!!!!

   What's white and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A refrigerator.

   I've been watching all this "Jubilee Queen" nonsense with the Queen of England. Seriously, is she ever happy about ANYTHING?? She never smiles and I think the ROYAL Spanks must be too tight!

   There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

   Justin Bieber fathering a love child is hard to believe. Justin Bieber having a love child, now that I can believe.

   Drinking game: Every time he says I or me drink

   phillip seymour hoffman had a better super bowl sunday than the broncos