Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't been laid in so long that my %&$$& is singing "Like a virgin touched for the very first time"

   life can taste sour but god can make it sweet

   Woohoo! Just got my new class ring. I hope I don't lose THIS one in a cheerleader!

   saw a bumber sticker that said "Jesus Saves"...he must know where to find the cheapest gas.

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡

   The three KINGS that bring joy and hapiness to my life: Smo-King, Drin-King & Fuc-King

   Women, you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up!!!

   This just in: President Obama calls for Iran to return the lost predator drone. Iran replies, "Not until the spy pilot emerges and faces us for his treachery."

   Red Cross called and asked if I could donate to the Huntsville, Alabama floods. I told them that I would, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of my driveway....

   If a tomato is a fruit, then isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?

   Finally! A White House official was fired! A Benghazi official? No... IRS? No... Fast and Furious? Over the AP or James Rosen? HHS? No, no, no, and no. Jofi Joseph, fired for having a fake twitter acct.How dare he!

   And then God presented to Moses two antacid tablets, saying, "Thou shalt not eat the spicy Doritos locos taco."

   Oh god please let next year be a better year and let it bring hopefully an end to Obama's drone strikes killing innocent people.

   My mom says you are what you eat. That's funny, because I haven't eaten any sexy beasts recently. ;)

   You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

   "Look at the keyboard ... you and I are together, look underneath it says JK."

   God I hate people who always bring God into everything.

   rub an atheist nutz the wrong way and they hiss like a snake that they are...

   ::Phone rings:: Hello Russia... yeah its USA. Hey wanted to know if we could hitch a ride up to the ISS next month on your shuttle..... Oh, ok, yeah, we understand..... Sure, maybe next time. No worries, we'll find another ride. =/

   Phil mickleson has by far the sloppiest titties of any professional athletes that I have ever seen.