Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys have two heads. They cannot use them both at the same time!

   ...Tila Tequila denies sex tape rumors. Good. When most Asians talk about doggie-style it usually means how they want their dinner prepared!

   McDonald's will soon be issuing a burger for the monsoon in Pakistan. With every burger purchased they will send a raincoat to each victim of the disaster. The new PAKI MAC will be on sale on Monday.

   I heard the weatherman say to watch out for "black Ice"...I think that terminology is terribly offensive...should be "Ice that you cannot see, ice" or "Watermelon ice"...

   Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

   I'm Dyslexic when I hate it

   Things that give me anxiety: 1) Everything. 2) People without anxiety. 3) Trump supporters at his rallies.

   When I was in high school I was suspended for fingering a girl behind the bike shed. Now my son is in junior school and history is repeating itself. I've been arrested this time though.

   People that are against smoking pot are the ones that need it the most..

   39. If I was a woman, I'd never leave the house. Unless, of course, I was finished cleaning and had permission.

   What do you call a group of epileptics in a bowl? Seizure Salad!

   The opinion of one is the opinion of all........

   you know its cold outside when you go outside and its cold

   Has anyone ever completed a round of anti-biotics?

   rain rain go away, thats what all my haters say

   What do Gas prices and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both are winning.

   I love Fig Newtons. Yes, You might say i'm a "FIGGIT".

   I'm at the Dentist. He looks in my mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!" I said, "I heard you the first time, Doc, sheesh." He goes, "That was an echo."

   They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.

   I once told my friend I was attacked by a shark. He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?" I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."