Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   we spend the money we don't have, to buy the things we don't need, to impress the people we don't like.

   Saab filing for bankruptcy? Such a Saab story.

   Life is like a carpet. Family and friends will always walk over you, and when you get dirty, the ones that clean you up.....are the people that truly care for you.

   I'm using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It's really coo... Hey! What are you doing? That's my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

   It has been a bad week for Elephants !!

   If we're side by side in bed and I can't keep my eyes off you, it means I'm really in love, or I'm gonna' slit your throat while you sleep.

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ - Friday.

   Would a novel about an ethnically diverse community of slightly more than 4 dozen people devoted to alternative sexual lifestyles be titled "50 Shades of Gay?"

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture.

   Call me lazy… but if it takes four clicks, I'm not reading it!!!!!

   Today, I realised that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed.

   I wanna be the reason you lose sleep at night, call in "sick" to work the next day, and then question your morals for the rest of your life.

   I’m using Internet explorer. I need some help from you guys good with computers. How does one send a smoke signal using this thing?

   black jesus is here, time for change! ~ south africans

   Andy Murray looks like a stuck up douchebag.

   A-Roid sure is ballsy for a guy without balls...

   Since Jesus's birthday and Christmas are on the same day this year I'm only giving him one present.

   it okay to text my kids not to come home cause i'm gonna do their mom? I mean, it is 2013... RIGHT?

   Don't you just hate it when your friends ask you to flex, then your bicep smashes them in the face knocking them unconscious?

   Cap'n crunch without crunch berries doesn't make any sense to me