Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   money isn't the key to happiness? then where is the key? hidden in a stupid box somewhere, like in Pirates Of The Caribbean?

   In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man doesn't have to worry about people staring at his patch.

   When I grow up, I wanna be those guys that wipe the sweat off the basketball courts

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   can't believe he got sacked from the calendar factory...All he did was take a day off.

   Your iPhone alarm didn't work? Well, as my great grandfather used to say on his deathbed, shortly before his demise....."too bad."

   The thousands of falling birds in Arkansas gives a whole new meaning to the game Angry Birds!!

   According to Facebook my friend posting she was doing laundry then taking a nap is "Top News".

   ignore me and watch how fast you get cut off and stop existing to me.

   who needs people when you got pizza

   I wonder what gets changed less frequently...the diaper of a crackhead's baby or the filter cartridge in my Brita.

   this upcoming snowstorm will really deflate the patriots balls

   Nobody in the office seems very impressed that I'm wearing Pull-Ups, despite my insistence that they are "big boy" diapers.

   Hi! Welcome to T witter. We're the men and women behind your Facebook friends' funny s tatuses.

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 married people high five each other because it’s positive.

   it's a jungle out there and I ain't lion!

   Just throwing this out there... Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty as the new Terminator.... the Siborg

   "Try googling Google and then hit lucky.....then Bing Bing, and Yahoo Yahoo. If you really bored Bing Google then Google Bing Yahoo" - me at the bar talking to a nerdy girl drunk!

   It's sofa king cold today!!

   With my luck that Southwest plane would have landed in rebel terrorist controlled Syria!