Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're darn tootin'!" - cowpoke complaining about flatulence.

   It's a scientific fact that my shower will always amplify my fart's sound and smell.

   if I ever go missing, I want my photo on beer bottles instead of milk cartons because I want someone fun to find me."

   Geese just call them bumps.

   My girlfriend said she gives up and can't see me anymore. I am amazing at hide and go seek.

   Are my kids spoiled?...Well lets see..when I was 6 I wanted play doh for my birthday, my kid has asked for play-station

   I think I'm going to get the bird flu from the grey goose and wild turkey I'm drinking tonight

   Uranus is a gas planet.

   Ebonics 101:where dey do dat at?= what type of establishment allows behavior of that sort?

   No matter how long or how thick they come in, I'm never satisfied!! Damn mascara!!!

   Are you crying? No, my eyes are taking a pi$$

   Facebook should have an "exam mode" where you can enter the dates of your exams and you are denied access if you try to go on it during that period of time.

   You know you're an ugly chick when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.

   Accidentally sprayed cologne in me eye. As long as my eye smells good..

   Why don't chickens wear underwear? 'cause their peckers on their head!

   Just saw a scab in front of my workplace, should I pick it

   The best things to laugh at are the things deep down we know we shouldn't be........ 

   Home is where your booze is and where you can poop as long as you want.

   When I get down on my kness, its NOT to pray. - Madonna

   My status makes others look like tweets, my profile picture is a work of art, I am quite simply the most interesting man on Facebook