Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to be kind to fat people because they have enough on their plate...

   Magic Mike? - on my way to see Magic Gina at the gentleman's club.

   Paddy found wires sticking out of his sandwich so he phoned the police."Hello I think there's a bomb in my sandwich""Okay, is it tickin" the police man replied"No" paddy said. "I think its tuna".

   Carlos Santana wanna be, oops, I mean Muammar Gaddafi, is dead.

   I eat the food on my plate in order from least favorite to most favorite

   I finally know what I wana be for Halloween this year....18 Again!

   I think my neighbor it drunk, he is taking his Christmas lights down!

   handing out used motor oil, cottage cheese I left for out 3 days, Nick Punto Baseball cards, and Greek Bonds for Halloween tomorrow night. This should be the last year for a while that I have to deal with trick-or-treaters...

   I dressed up as MySpace for Halloween. Hey why is everyone ignoring me?

   In my experience, passionately singing Phil Collins will clear a room.

   Too many of you HOES confusing thick with fat.....When you THICK, your stomach doesn't dance when you walk.

   What kind of sausage was being served at Godfather's pizza?

   Penguins don't give a flying phuck!

   Berlusconi is out of office. Lock up your daughters.

   Sometimes all it takes is a Bud Light at sunset to make me question my atheism.

   Women are such teases, turns out a "restraining order" has nothing to do with S&M.

   My laziness is epitomized by how many files I've names as "hekakdbfkfl"

   Real Knick fans don't wear Jordans.

   Get ready for a repeat of Michael Jackson's case ... Investigators are trying to go after the doctors who wrote Whitney Houston's prescriptions....

   It's hard to tolerate the ramblings of an intelectually deficient redneck, but then I remember that the were likely "born this way"....you know...with an extra chromosome.