Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don't even have to try to find out who lost it, because it's the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!

   We should just "pile on" and ask Chris Christie about the Velveeta shortage...

   I don't mind if you talk behind my back. It puts you in a better position to kiss my a$$.

   I'm a hopeless romantic with a dirty mind.

   I'm surprised the U.S. world cup team isn't playing Chris Brown... he can really soccer...

   My wife will buy anything marked down. The other day she brought home an escalator.

   wanna know what the Toronto Maple Leaf players do for the summer? Apparently they play soccer for Brazil. bawaaa!

   In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?

   Having my boss over for dinner. Does anyone know where I can find a nice bottle of chianti?

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.

   Ebola guy in Atlanta .....if that does end up being an outbreak, everyone will at 1st just think it's The Walking Dead walkers.

   Honey, I did the cutest thing while you were at work. I renamed "My Documents" folder on your computer to "Our Documents"

   I don't have a "9-5".. I have a "When I open my eyes to when I close my eyes..."

   A shot of vodka a day keeps the sad away!

   Childhood I'd idolizing Batman. Adulthood is realizing The Joker made more sense.

   I called this family meeting because our DVR isn't big enough to hold 32 episodes of Micky Mouse Clubhouse and 8 soft core lesbo Cinemax movies.

   I carry a yard sale sign around with me, so when my girlfriend throws all my sh*t onto the lawn I can just sell it there.

   I don't care about gay marriage or the confederate flag. I care about Beer.... Is it 5 o'clock yet?

   "I fear no man," I whisper, trembling before a group of women.

   I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck then go on a high speed chase becuase it will be funny to watch a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck