Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

   I shall share with thee how I emerged as the youthful heir to the throne of Bel-Air.

   Never has there been so many energy drinks yet we've never been more tired.

   Great, I was already depressed and and alone, and now. just before bed my toothpaste had to fall off of my toothbrush.... still single

   if you dont see a future in yourself, then there is no future in us...

   Can we pretend that shooting stars in the night sky are like airplanes? I could really use some frequent-flyer miles right now...

   wondering why I say I wont ever drink again when dealing with a bad hang over, but soon as its gone, start planning my next night on the lash!

   if you have ADD & OCD all you get done is getting everything organized

   sometimes ya gotta dance with the devil to get out of hell!!

   I wonder which lazy a$$ rapper decided to abbreviate the word "Crazy".... I mean c'mon that sh!ts CRAY!

   If you delete me as a friend…can you at least leave your obituary?

   just wanted to bring this story to your attension meet lawn chair larry who attached baloons to his lawn chair and went up to 16,000 feet with a 6 pack of miller lite a pellet gun and some sandwitches where he flew around on his lawn chair for 14 hours lm

   looks like the only black and yellow we have to worry about is the cute little bumblebee.

   It's every man's obligation to put back into the world what he takes out. Any ideas on how to give back all the virginities we've taken?

   We are PERFECTLY, wrong for each other.

   Don't do upon others what you wouldn't have them do upon you...well unless she ASKS you to put it in there.

   I know how Rick Perry feels now, just the other day I forgot the 3rd movie in the Harry Potter series.

   If it's foggy out and you are driving without your headlights on, I pray you don't find a "good" parking space this holiday season.

   i'd like to see things your way but i'm not sure I can stick my head that far up my ass

   I almost tripped over a Parking stop and a little old lady says "Do you want my cane?" Very funny old lady.