Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just the thought of you slurping down noodles really rustles my jimmy....

   Congrats to Martin Shkreli on a SOLID start to his 2028 GOP Presidential Nomination run!!!

   The difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball is a guy will actually search for a golf ball.

   Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

   This just looks cool - me standing in the club with a cup that has NO ALCOHOL ON IT!

   I heard Soulja Boy just went platinum...in Antarctica

   be careful when threat textin, jus told someone who owed me money I was gonna eat their ass if I didnt get it back

   Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

   if you're still waiting for your chocolate....you're dating a cheap a-hole.

   Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.

   I'm getting physical therapy for my back. I bet Spider-Man never has to get physical therapy for his back. I hate not being Spider-Man. :(

   6:37am. Out of duct tape AND ether. Plan aborted. For now.

   I watched this Chinese guy Jeremy Lin play on MSG last night, but 30 minutes after the game it was like I hadn't even watched basketball and I was in the mood to watch another game...

   almost spring! that means its almost time to start making my famous caterpillar fur coats for ebay.

   Dummies talking about dummies being dummies. Try funny.

   today I got a raise...so what? Today I also found out I'm to become a dad for the first time! Not the biggest deal! Later I won a paid trip to Hawaii! Yeah ok...Then I argued with the wife and she ended it by saying "you're right"! PARTY AT MY PLACE!

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   One of these days I'm staying home, and sending my hologram to work instead!

   Dear Google, please don't tell anyone about the things I've searched for- Sincerely everyone.

   We'd be scared of beavers if trees screamed.