Funny Status Messages

   My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.

   I bought a roll-a-way bed the other day. I haven't tried it out yet . . . I haven't been able to catch it!!!

   She asked if I was horny, it’s like she doesn’t even know I’m a man.

   No honey, I didn't invite you hiking just because you're fat, and bears will target you first. I also think you make great trail mix.

   Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? Hell no!

   Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.

   Who needs a fireplace. I'm watching the yule log!

   Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.

   The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her.

   I'm outside banging kitchen pots together so my neighbors can think I'm strapped......lol happy new years everyone

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   Back in the day when I was attracted to a girl I never had enough guts to ask her out. Now with Facebook I am suppose to be confident enough to poke her? #singleforever

   I think when you said: You ruined EVERYTHING! You were wrong, because this beer is still delicious.

   Umm...it's frigid...not fridged...'fridged' is something yous stored in the refrigerator hahha

   Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!

   It's not about the chase, it's about the kill

   Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.

   Dear Money Will You be may Valentine?

   Sooooo workin for TSA wasn't a good enough job so you decided to sell... Coke and make Crack at your house while the kids were there....smh

   What do women and an ambulance have in common? They make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.