Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's funnier in its original form, "Happy as a puppy with two peters".

   What is it with those female athletes, freezing temps and they wear them thin skin tight lycra suits, my wife wears more than that in a warm bed

   Sometimes the beast within us is actually shown on the outside.

   Dear stalker, seriously dude...I have a whole box of KOTEX in my drawer...I have TAMPONS & PADS WITH WINGS. Pick ur poison!

   I think as many hours as I put in I should be able to put fantasy football team owner on my resume

   It's kind of disappointing when you're reading someone's bio on any site and are somewhat interested, but then you reach the end and it says you don't like me, then PISS OFF!!!" Well, that was rude

   I'm taking the greed out of agreed, because I don't.

   Yelling "I DIDN'T INVITE YOU IN" doesn't work on spiders but it will freak out twilight fans.

   so much for black friday at a bar

   The Revolution will not be televised but a podcast seems inevitable.

   If you ever have the strangest sensation that I'm communicating with you telepathically, it's because I totally am!

   Based on some of the status updates I see my friends post, I think some of them should see if there is an after Christmas return policy on relationships.

   Jack White is just Edward Scissorhands with human hands.

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "Damn GIRL, did you give up on life?"

   Here's to the women who love me terribly, May they soon improve.

   Some days you tame the tiger. And some days the tiger has you for lunch.

   It's important to let go of your dreams if you want to make room for more brownies.

   You have to work to get me and you have to work to keep me.

   ironing clothes for my date tonight when I thought...man, I need a wife to do this ironing...

   excuse my french but when a hot girl tells me "voulez vous coucher avec moi" I turn very "gay"!