Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   Hello Hello Hello Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home?....Oh wait I forgot everyone's home, never nevermind.

   Last night was amazing out dancing and singing with all my friends together celebrating the end of the Coronavirus!....until our garbage truck outside woke me up :/

   I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?

   My prediction for the upcoming week: You will have many WTF moments.

   As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.

   besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

   It's sad old people won't live to see time travel, because how bad do they want to find the jerk who carpeted over this beautiful hardwood?

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.

   They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.

   Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.

   My wife could not deside who to marry me or another guy who proposed to her. So she tossed a coin. I lost.

   I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time...

   A guy is walking between two skyscrapers on a tightrope. Another guy is on a date with Amy Schneider and their clothes just came off. At the same time, the guy on the tightrope and the guy with Amy have the same thought: "Don't look down."